boy cubed
by acronymed
Summary: The boys hold an intervention of sorts and Ralph talks about the only thing he remembers from math: protractors. — Derek, Sam, Ralph.


**A/N:** I love these three and I love Ralph. So it's a mildly Ralph-centric genfic on sexuality, best friends, being yourself and all that fun stuff. There are incredibly stupid metaphors involved. You have been warned. This is six pages of utter crack. And Dasey. Kind of.

Yay for boy bonding! 8D

**Disclaimer:** Standard disclaimer applies.

**Boy Cubed**  
Derek, Sam, Ralph: friendship and crack.

00—**three-sixty circles.**

When Edwin came down the stairs, intent on grabbing something to eat, and saw Ralph trapped on the couch, Derek and Sam looming over him, he turned on his heel and went straight back to his room. It was probably about what Derek and Sam had been talking about on the phone the night before. Not that he'd been eavesdropping or anything.

"So, dudes," Ralph said, staring up curiously at his best friends. They both looked like they wanted to shine a light in his face and ask him where he'd been the night before. "What's up with the emergency band meeting? We don't have a gig booked, do we?"

Derek and Sam exchanged looks. "There is no band meeting, Ralph," Sam said. Ralph had only ever heard him sound so serious once before, back when they'd been seven. Derek's dog had died and Sam, as the best friend, had given a eulogy at his funeral.

Ralph blinked. "But Derek said there was."

"I lied," Derek said smoothly. "It comes with the whole manipulation and deceit thing, you know."

"Then why are we here? And why are you guys so serious? Somebody die, or something?"

"No, Ralph, nobody died." Sam sighed and shook his head. "You want to take this, D?"

"Sure, Sammy." Crossing his arms over his chest, Derek, with all the tact in the world, said, "We know you're gay."

Ralph blanched, then shot up from the couch. "_What?_" he spluttered. "Dude, what- what! I'm not gay! How could you even think that, man?"

"Well, aside from the _vinyl pants_," Derek drawled, raising his eyebrows; Ralph flushed slightly. "And the tie-dye shirt, what the _hell_ dude," he threw in as an afterthought, "you've always been a little less enthusiastic when a hot girl walks by."

"I… whistle," Ralph defended, but the excuse sounded lame even to him.

"And say rather inappropriate things," Sam added, "but you never actually sound like you mean in it. I mean, you say 'she's hot' with about the same amount of enthusiasm you would use if you were saying, 'my dad died'."

"But my dad's not dead," Ralph said, puzzled. Derek groaned.

"It's an example, you dumb ass," he muttered, throwing himself into his recliner. Sam shook his head again; Ralph had a feeling he'd be doing a lot of that later.

When he reached for the remote, Sam shoved him back onto the couch. "Anyways," Sam continued, "we just feel like we should let you know that we, well, know, and that we don't care."

"You're still an idiot." This was as close to comforting as Derek got, Ralph figured. "And you're still Ralph. So no worries, man. We're not going to burn you at the stake or anything."

Ralph leaned back on the couch and sighed. "I'm not gay though."

Sam frowned and slumped down next to him. "Ralph, it's cool. _We don't care_."

"No, dudes, seriously." Ralph ran a hand through his hair. "I'm not gay. I'm… a protractor."

"The_ hell_," Derek said, "does _that_ mean?"

Sam was staring at him the same way Casey stared at Derek whenever he was with Marti, only without the sexually charged subtext. "You… actually remember what a protractor is?"

Derek shot upwards. "Sam, what kind of question is that?"

"Sorry Der, but, seriously. _He remembers what it is_."

Ralph held up his hands. "Dudes, can I speak?" Not waiting for a reply, he continued, "And, it means I'm, like, going both ways. I'm straight, like the bottom half of the thing, and I'm gay, like the round part. Which, by the way, I still don't know what you do with."

"So, basically, you're saying you're bisexual?" Sam asked, elbows on his knees.

"Deep," Derek snarked. "Really. I feel enlightened."

"Are you always an asshat to your friends?" Sam's eyebrows rose. Ralph chuckled.

Derek smirked and crossed his arms behind his head. "You still have to ask after ten years?"

"Right, stupid question."

"Anyways," Ralph cut in, "I like girls. And I guess I like dudes. So I've got twice as many options as you two."

"Actually," Derek said, "You've only got twice as many options as me, since Sammy swings for both teams, too."

"Dude, what the crap," Sam's head snapped towards his best friend quickly. Derek shrugged, as if to say, 'you knew it was coming'. "Casey was right: you are the biggest jerk in the world," he said tiredly, but he didn't actually care.

"Hey, man, we're all friends here, and isn't sharing caring?" Derek replied innocently, holding his hands up. "And, since when do you talk to Space Case about me?"

"Since always. She's obsessed," Sam deadpanned. "It's the only thing you two have in common."

"What's that supposed to m—"

"You're a protractor too?" Ralph looked at Sam strangely, then grinned. "_Awesome_."

Sam sighed. "Yeah, I'm a protractor too."

"See?" Derek leaned back, grinning. "There are no secrets between friends. And now I'm the only one on the one way street."

"Yeah, a one-way street with a very specific destination," Sam teased, casting a quick glance up the stairs.

"Oh?" Derek's eyes narrowed. "And where would that be?"

"Casey's pants," Ralph replied enthusiastically. Sam had to bite the inside of his cheek to keep from laughing, partly at what Ralph had said and partly at how funny it was to see Derek spasm and choke. "It's pretty obvious, you know. Everyone's just waiting for one of you to jump the other's bones."

"Well that's…" Derek paused. "…Terrifying."

"He's in denial," Sam told Ralph in a stage whisper.

Ralph nodded in agreement. "Totally."

"I can hear you, you know," Derek grumbled, grabbing the remote and flipping the TV on. Sam shrugged nonchalantly and leaned over, reaching for the remote. Derek snatched it back and pretty soon, an all out brawl was going on the living room floor.

Eventually, Ralph got bored of sitting around, watching the two of them try and stick each other in headlocks, and jumped in, sitting on top of Sam, who was on top of Derek. "I really don't think Der's 'rents would like it if we broke their living room, so let's just chill."

"Yeah, okay, sure, fine," Derek ground out. "Now, for the love of God,_ get off of me._"

"Sorry," Ralph said sheepishly, getting up. Sam sat back on his heels and pulled Derek to his feet.

"So." Derek scratched the back of his head awkwardly before slouching onto the edge of his chair. "I'm going to Hell."

"I'm pretty sure being gay is a sin, so you can bet we'll be joining you," Sam mused, slapping Derek on the shoulder. "And, like I said, she's totally obsessed with you. If she's not talking about you, she's talking about something that's got to do with you, or she's making up rules about you."

"… Seriously?" Derek stared blankly at one of the family pictures hanging above the fireplace. "Oh, my God."

"Oh, hell," Sam said to Ralph, who was following Derek's line of sight with his eyes. "He's freaking out."

Ralph looked down at his watch. "Three, two, one."

Derek suddenly jumped up from the recliner and ran for the kitchen. Sam and Ralph shook their heads and followed him.

"Want me to hold back your hair," Sam quipped, leaning against the counter next to Derek. Derek flipped him off. "Classy."

"Ha. Ha," Derek replied, still hunched over the sink. "Did I just puke over Casey?"

"Yup," Ralph said, rummaging through the fridge. This brought on a whole new round of throwing up. "Oh, dude, gross. Calm down; she's into you too and it's not like you're related."

"And Nora and George obviously considered this when they found out they had kids the same age," Sam explained. "They won't be too surprised anyways. You should see some of the looks they shoot the two of you when you're fighting."

Derek made an unintelligible noise in the back of his throat and reached for a paper towel. "Does everyone know?"

"The UST is kind of hard to miss," Sam said wryly. "It's like a blinding neon sign, really."

Derek straightened, wiping his mouth off, and grabbed a glass off the counter. Turning the tap on, his rinsed his mouth out and then said, "Her dad is going to murder me."

"S'alright," Ralph said around a spoonful of ice cream. "He figured it out first, anyways. Why do you think he always stands between the two of you? And jokes about helping Mr. V. ship you to private school?"

"Those aren't jokes, by the way," Sam warned. "Just so you know."

"Okay." Derek grabbed a bag of chips out of the cupboard and sat down across from Ralph. Sam pulled a stool over and sat down next to him. "So, you two are bisexual and I've got the hots for my stepsister. My annoying, psychotic, lame, boring, keener stepsister."

"You forgot hot," Ralph said, leering a little. "Super, super, hot. Especially in a tank top."

Sam reached behind him and grabbed some paper towel. Ralph looked at him strangely as he thrust it towards him. "For the drool," he elaborated. Derek threw the bowl he'd been about to dump his chips in at Ralph's head.

"Jealous, D?" Ralph asked, grinning as he caught it. "Don't worry: she's too uptight for me."

"Everyone with morals is too uptight for you," Derek retorted dryly. "Get some standards."

"Says the resident man whore of our school." Sam dodged the chip Derek aimed for his face. "I was kidding. Possibly."

"Ha. Ha. Ha."

"You already used that one," Sam reprimanded with a mock grimace. "I am not impressed."

Derek shook his fist slightly. "Damn it."

Edwin entered the kitchen then and glanced between the three of them. "You guys done with your intervention?"

"Yup," Ralph said. "How'd you know, mini-D?"

"Please," Edwin said, looking pained. "Don't call me that. Ever. Again."

"Edwin," Derek said warningly. After living with Edwin for thirteen years, he'd developed almost a sixth sense to predicting when Edwin had an insult brewing. Now was one of those moments.

"Sorry, bro," Edwin said flatly, grabbing a juice box out of the fridge. "But I've got no intention of turning out like you. Pride and integrity and all that jazz."

Derek stood, pointing a finger menacingly at his younger sibling. Edwin took this as his cue to run. Derek chased after him and caught him at the base of the stairs, grabbing him in a headlock much like the one he'd almost put Sam in earlier.

"Is it just me or does Edwin get mouthier every time we come over?" Sam commented, raising his eyebrows as Edwin twisted out of Derek's grip and made a mad dash up the stairs.

"_The Derek_ is losing his touch," Ralph answered. Sam snorted and heard Edwin yelp upstairs. It seemed Derek had finally gotten a hold of him. When Derek came back down and began making his way towards them, Ralph asked, "Want to make out?"

Sam was suddenly very glad he hadn't been eating anything. "Uh."

Derek paused for a moment, grabbed a cushion off the couch, and chucked it at Ralph from halfway across the room. Sam looked at him gratefully.

"Dude, I was kidding!" Ralph yelped as it collided with his face.

"I'm sure," Sam said, eyeing Ralph suspiciously before turning to Derek. "Thanks, man. You should play baseball."

"I would, but Casey thinks it's even more boring than hockey."

"Whipped," Ralph coughed, throwing the cushion to the ground.

"We aren't even dating," Derek muttered, punching Ralph in the arm before sitting back down.

"That makes it even more pathetic," Sam said, stealing Ralph's spoon and the tub of ice cream. Derek glowered at him.

"You know what?" He said. "Shut the hell up."

"I love you too, Der. I love you too."

"Aw," Casey said from the doorway. "It's so nice to see you guys bonding. But, you need to get out. Like, now."

Derek raised his eyebrows at her. "Who made you Queen of the World? This is my house too. Actually, it's just my house. You're an unwanted guest."

Sam and Ralph glanced at each other as Casey's lips thinned. Sam kicked Derek in the shin under the counter. Hard.

"I don't care," Casey said primly. "Lucy's coming over for another dance practice and I don't need you ogling her again."

"Hey," Derek said indignantly, subtly rubbing his wounded leg with his other foot. "Ralph would do it too."

"Oh, please," Casey said, waving him off. "Everyone knows Ralph's gay." Ralph grinned at her.

"Actually, he's a protractor," Sam said.

"Oh," Casey cocked her head to the side and smiled. "Okay then." She paused, then, "All of you, out. _Now_."

"Fine," Derek rolled his eyes. "It's not like we wanted to watch you practice Bird Lake anyways."

"For the last time," Casey snapped. "It's _Swan Lake,_ and God forbid you experience something cultural. It might make you think about more than girls, hockey and eating."

"I think about sleeping, too, you know."

"And her," Sam hissed out of the corner of his mouth. Derek's foot collided with the side of his ankle hard enough to make Sam's eyes water.

Casey didn't appear to have heard him. "Oh, you're just a regular Einstein," she retorted, rolling her eyes. "Now shoo!"

As she ushered them out of the house one at a time (Derek went out first, of course,) Ralph and Sam made whipping motions with their hands.

"Have I ever mentioned how much I hate the two of you?" Derek grumbled as the walked down the street. Sam shrugged and shoved him forward.

"Probably," he replied as Derek stumbled over his feet. "But, it's not like we listen to you half the time. Besides, you were secretly thinking it was kinky. Right, Ralph?"

Ralph stopped staring at his gloves and glanced up at Sam. "What?"

"Exactly."

Derek elbowed Sam in the side. "Not all my thoughts revolve around sex, you know."

"Oh, I wasn't hinting that," Sam said. "I was just suggesting that you always think about Casey. But now that you mention it…"

"Don't go there, man," Derek and Ralph said simultaneously.

"I don't need those images," Ralph muttered.

"I don't need to be experiencing those images," Derek said. "No matter how much I might or might not enjoy them. A lot."

"Don't let her dad hear that. Hell, don't let _your_ dad hear that. You might find yourself very cold and in Alaska." Sam looked thoughtful for a moment, then said, "On second thought, who's got a loudspeaker?"

Derek shoved him into the bushes as hard as he could. Ralph shook his head and went to help him up. "I was serious about what I said earlier, by the way."

Sam blinked. "About what?"

"Making out," Ralph said, desperately trying to keep a straight face.

Despite the grin threatening to spread across his face, Sam managed remained impassive. "Ah."

Derek didn't know whether to laugh or gag.


End file.
